That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
