He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
