I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
