I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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