I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
