Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
