Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
smell my finger.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
