Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
