I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
