she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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