my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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