Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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