what if every blade of grass was a penis?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
