I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
