i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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