Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
