last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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