Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
