I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
