im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
