Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
