Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
