I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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