Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
