even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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