my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
