Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
