I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
