I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
