I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
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I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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