I look better un-naked...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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