in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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