Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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