I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
