I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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