Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
