Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
