he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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