I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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