Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
