I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
