life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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