I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
