Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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