Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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