3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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