you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
