I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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