I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
