Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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