I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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