my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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