Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
