Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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