It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
