Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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