I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
