Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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