just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
