Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
