I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
