you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
